Friday, February 27, 2004
Headlines: Two’s a Company…Unfortunately, Nine’s one too.
Elrond, (545762) has been discovered housing the Precious company in his miserable house! The Evil Elf! So apparently, he got nine people together. Weeelll… nine beings anyway. Who cares whether they’re human or not.
So our roving reporter, accidentally discovered this fact while tripping over some river horses. Noticed some pretty Elf girl running away, saw the Nine screaming hell and fury, went over to ask what’s wrong and finally remembered how beeg fans of the newspaper they are….and well…got swamped.
‘OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!! INTERVIEW ME! ME! ME!’
so basically got free of them, followed pretty elf girl, saw her carrying a dummy, well I thought it was a dummy…im SORRY!! Yeesh. Okay its Frodo. Bleah. So? So followed pretty girl, met pretty elves, finally saw elrond. He choked when he saw this reporter. I’ll take that as a compliment.
‘what the HELL are you doing here!?!?’
the reporter will politely say that she told elrond to stuff it and wrestled her way to the beeg airy room where the ‘Council’ was held. Gandalf was seen cleaning his ear, Aragorn noticed to be eyeing Boromir’s shield with distaste and prissy Legolas cleaning his toe nails.
‘toooe naaaills…. Nails nails naaaaiilllss…..’
merry and pippin were being idiots. Not content with spiking Gandalf’s drink with whiskey during biblo’s party and hearing him repeat his dirty day with the Balrog 15 times in a row, they were scrabbling about, mixing weapons. Gimli found himself with a sword twice his height and he broke Gandalf’s staff, and Gandalf in return, snapped Legolas’ bow who in turn murdered Elrond who was innocently bringing drinks.
Thus the Company of the Ring ended in record time. And Frodo hasn’t even recovered from his injuries yet!
Today it’s…Eowyn! Shieldmaiden of Rohan!
Dear Aunt Agnes,
I am this really ugly elf in my class. I have no friends but I really like this guy L from my class. He’s of course the usual, popular guy etc etc but I really like him! How to I tell him my true feelings?
As shield maiden, we humans are naturally pretty. ^^ but I’m straying form the point. So you like L, well telling him in a letter should be fine. Cornering him in some dark corner is even better. Putting a sword to his throat if he doesn’t accept you is the best. For advertising, I’m recommending the Sprark BNlighter X-200, prototype, just came out. I’ve ordered one myself and I say it’s really fun to play with. So you have no friends. You could try plastic surgery. But you need money. So…ummm well axe the plastic surgery idea. Just let yourself free, don’t go about screaming your love to him, oh wait, hang on to him 24/7. well that’s about it. Good luck mate.
Love, Agnes. :D
Monday, February 16, 2004
Flop of the Links: The Political Wedding
Proudly brought to you by The Straights Times and the Accidental Editor
So, Luohan and Condor were to merge together. It was written in the Sands of Time. Unfortunately the Sands of Time din’t say much about how they were going to go about doing it. Oh well. Sands of Time never are perfect. So they were to merge. Shut up on the long distance calls already. Devilish Morpork and Lesser Known Yorl, leaders of the Poorly Appreciated Procession, had originally proposed the merger, but Tediously Adhesive Rernhorn was prissy and didn’t like the proposal as Luohan had too much of a Rollipop.
However Luohan had a problem with its cows. They had been from the North, overrunning Luohan and killing off any innocent human beings and houses, bringing along the start of ‘cowism’. Their motto: Got Milk?
Due to the cows spreading around, Luohan’s economy was suffering. Their trade of Kauphat, a leading Cow Fat on Top Earth, was failing. So Condor was afraid that the cowism would spread all over poor ole’ Luohan and then extend its Moley hooves to Charming Condor and thus top Earth would be screwed and everyone will die, yada yada yada and so on and so forth.
Editor’s Note: Don’t ask me how the cows can bellow over three hundred kilometers. It’s their bloody problem, not mine.
So finally, finally, finally, Rernhorn accepted the proposal of the Poorly Appreciated Procession, much to the joy of the two leading politicals.
To quote Morpork: ‘Yeeeesssss!!!! Yes yes yes yes !!!! GOD RULES!!! Aallrrigghtt!!! Whoo hoo!! Uh huh uh huh uh huh!!!’ *
Messengers were happily passed along, making ambassadors look stupid. ‘F**k them,’ a Condorian ambassador was heard politely commenting when another Luohan messenger danced gleefully through Osmosis. Condor was still upset over the fact that there were more horses than humans. Therefore it roped in Sty and Pompom, making the scale balanced again.
Tediously Adhesive Renhorn, Prime Ossinator and Leader of the United Men No Organisms groups, signed the merger and they were happily married. The United Men No Organisms group, together with the Men Cum Animals group and the Mainly Is Condors group had come together to form the Application Possum of Condor. They had branches in Luohan, who called themselves the Salty Application. When Luohan joined the Condorian Family, it had to give $150 million dollars worth of Kauphat to Mini Tiara, the Capital Column of Condor. Condor swore they would return the money.
‘Don’t know what the hell they want it anyway…’
Rernhorn hastily stopped smoking and choked on his pipe.
Originally Palloonacomp was arguing that Sty should belong to it. Igokor was also seeing the Condorian Family as a Bloody Threat. So all agreed for an Unlikely Native to come and take a survey.
It tested positive and Pallonacomp broke off all doggy relationships with Condor, disgusted at the fact that Condor would actually bribe the unlikely Native survey.
‘But we didn’t !!’
Condor sulked. Igokor packed its bag and left the bunch of losers, hell bent on its revenge. Mua hahahahahaaaa!!!
The End…? Well…for now that is. Whee!
* Luohan speech is slow and melodious. I seriously hope this doesn’t apply here. Else Morpork would stil be exclaiming his joy when Luohan and Condor break off and divorce.
Friday, February 13, 2004
'Move on to greater Glory!' NO!
'.legolas quotes...' NO!
etc etc etc and so on and so forth. bleah.
hmm terry finds the straights times nice. right. we hae to think of somethign for our board..
and spkc is going to england so im bringina laptop to dl all my photos and nic wants to blog the spkc whee. but that laptop has nooo innternet connections hahahahahahah too bad nic. :P
so now we're inviting nisa over to spkc. hi NISA!! HAHAHAHA WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Ahem, the Swimming Team, yes that's us no worries, seem to have acquired a Swimming Board. Yes, a Swimming Board. -gushes- Isn't that sweettt?!!!
So the President and Vice-President of SPKC have been unanimously voted as the official Decor Team for the Swimming Board. Joy to the World.
Technically, i suggested to Elizabeth for our motto to be 'Moving on to Greater Glory' or 'To touch the Pool is But A Beginning' but she would hear no nonsense and sulked throughout Additional Mathematics.
Evil half of the Dream Team.
And Terry has acquired a Cough! hahahahahaha....
And she's still devouring Honey Stars and Saturns like there's no tomorrow. Sometimes the common sensibility of the Liew family never fails to astound me.
Anyway, after i finished my EIA today i took out a star from my file, you know the one with the pissed-off coach and stuffed it into the board. therefore i have the honour of being the first person who actually does something to the board. hat hat hat.
i do hope its still there by tomorrow. cos some insensitive brats might just come and then take it away and there goes the last of my Mobility Stars.
So Nicola, the Grand, the Great and the obNoxious, at her furious demand, and me, the norbert, the fox and the lunan*
*lunan, lunen (pl) :Insane person. See also Lunatic. i like this word. wheee.
are required to fill the board with distinguished swimming related activites which are Wholesome and Healthy and Suitable for All Student Ages. welll.... SPKC IS part of Swimming...right.....
and i dunnoe if i should post the Straights Times there or not. whee. :P
so we have a board. is that all? oh yes. we have some new midgets. who are quite fast by the way so yeah, we're screwed. nicola needs to go training this week. mr chia is pining for her. andddd mr marlin's gonna be one of the first things on the board!! hahahahha our mascot! and the title of the board shall thus be....'SWIM' in beeg obvious letters and then in tiny letters below it, we shall write 'Or Else.'
Monday, February 09, 2004
Headlines: The Precious has been SIghted! -No pun intended-
Frodo Baggins (33) has been sighted with the One Precious by our roving reporter, Gollum, aka Smaegol. he then got kidnapped, no gollum-napped by elves, aragorn and some grey old man wizard. therefore he is unable to comment on the issue. stupid men, wizards, and elves. bloody irritating pple.
Biblo Baggins(111), has just celebrated his eleven-eleventh birthday, wadever, and has been sighted using the One Ring. sauron (322543) being the pathetic idiot that he is, crashed the party by using Gandalf (865) horribly old man to force Biblo into giving the Ring to innocent FRodo, who being a adult by hobbit standards, has a remarkable ability of not being able to know the hell is going on. his blue eyes are a plus though. everyone knows gandalf has a soft spot for blue eyes.
this reporter immediately shoved her reporting issues into the toilet, rushed all the way to mordor, interviewed the nearest Ringwraith, who was proud to be indentified as Ringwraith No. 7.
'Sssskkkrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee skrreee skree skrrreeeeeeeeeee.'
this reporter has no idea wad he just said.
'oh i mean, ahem, of course, err...sauron's a bit busy now the old boy. seems to be planning his army with flowers and violins. dont know why though.'
this reporter leaves the ringwraith and then moves into mordor, banging open Sauron's Big Doors, and accusing the bratty eye-guy for being horribly biased to the opposite sex.
sauron, at this moment, is putting in some eye contacts. Sauron has boring black eyes. and this reporter quotes Sauron saying, ' WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU DOING HERE!!!!'
reporter scurried and is here, live and kicking, to bring to you SAuron's new pet, a palantiirr!!
Note to all LOTR Stupid guys/mugger idiots, this is something we call on earth, icq.
he has met his pet, saruman. Note to all Readers: Gandalf will find this out later and get a heart attack and probably die -ho ho- but you my precious readers of The Straights Times, will have the pride and knowledge that you Got It First here at the Straight Times! :D
next page: Aunt Aggie
Dear Aunt Aggie,
i am human. i need to tell you this first. i signed up for the Middle-Earth Lords, hoping to be like Legolas or-something-or-the-other. he has been the first middle earth lord and i have been horribly jealous. i have styled my hair to be like his and the gel is coming off. im going to sing his famous rendition of his my audition is in 3 months. please help.
Dear Envy's Rose,
there's no bloody point denying it.i suggest you get a box and hide yourself in it. i am very sorry to say that you're going to be a carbon copy of legolas ~he's the kiiinng~ and a faded one at that. here's wad i suggest:
has anyone seen william hung? there's that new guy from some other country across the sea. please go to his site here: william hung im not advertising but ...hmm you'd do well by learning from him. please dont go wear wad he wore. midle earth lords is more strict than that. the guards will chase you out for being a clown, when this is specifically an elf event. another thing, this is an ELF event. are you planning on lying about your age? well id suggest a decent 2000 to 3000 years. and then there's the fact that you're supposed to be immortal. hope you last long. but not -that- long. good luck dearie.
love, aunt aggie
Ever Elrond...Food and it's tight spots...
for anyone who can stomach anything i suggest to that person to go to the nearest dwarf privy and press the button. however, i am not here today is be biased and evil. i am here to be biased and evil. this is two totally different things.
however, today i am recommending to everyone the foodshop , coffers humbugs. naturally this dwarf sells humbugs which are coincidentally sweets. not bugs. sweets.
his sweets are one of the most heavenly ones ever, being able to lift one of less than 300pounds into the air and fill them with a sense of goodwill towards all men. -bloody biased towards elves, them stupid dwarves...-
so i recommend everyone who can stomach elvish lembas to eat this. it's very....down-to-earth.
Saturday, February 07, 2004
oh yeah today training, nicola dint come. came late, had to pay money- sulk- and then mr chia came... whee.
oh yeah, nic's gonna be soooo jealous. today saw mr chia teach the ...midgets! the midgets! the ones who are going to be future members of spkc!! hahahahaha!!
he taught them butterfly and backstroke. i think he was using me as an example of how NOT to swim fly. yelled at them alot. poor ones.....RIGHT!
here's a definition i found in the Swimmer's Dictionary of the World...
Steven Chia, Mr. : A loud person, he is the coach of PLMS(S) -stupid name- swimming team. Reigning over his pathetic team of -uhh...- four swimmers, he is a demonic coach with no sense of empathy at all. There is a Society for the Prevention of Killer Coaches(See Society) like him, but he doesn't know that. Coaching the primary school as well, he hopes that the entire team will triumph in the Nationals(See Annual Swimming Events) and Move On To Greater Glory. (See Glory)
My inner child is ten years old!
The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
Your wings are DRAGON wings. Massive and
covered in scales, they shimmer with strength
and magic. They are the most obvious display of
your power - though it runs equally throughout
your heart and mind. You are uncompromising and
grave, with a profound sense of justice. You
have firm ideas about what is right and what is
wrong and set out to fix what problems you can.
You realize that you are more capable of
dealing with life and evil than most, and as
such you see it as your responsibility to
protect those who cannot defend themselves. You
have existed since antiquity and as such you
are wise far beyond your years in this
lifetime. While you strive for fairness and
peace, if someone should steal from your cave
of treasure (though not all that glitters is
gold) or compromise the happiness of you or one
who is close to you - they have signed their
death warrant. You have a mighty vengeance and
will unleash it upon such people immediately
and mercilessly. Arguing with you is
useless...you rarely back down and are known
for holding firm in your beliefs. Sometimes you
feel intensely burdened with the troubles of
others...acting as a Guardian can get so
wearisome. But you never give up...you see it
as your life's mission. Often very introverted,
you can be so smart...it's scary. Such a
combination of intelligence, creativity, power,
beauty, and magic is often intimidating to
those around you - who are also unlikely to
understand you. Arrogant, proud, overserious,
and sometimes a bit greedy or obsessed with
whatever treasure you choose to pursue...you
have enchanted people for centuries, and will
continue to do so.
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Form 3, Unicorn: The Innocent.
"And The Unicorn knew she wasn't meant to
go into the Dark Wood. Disregarding the advice
given to her by the spirits, Unicorn went
inside and bled silver blood.. For her
misdeed, the world knew evil."
Some examples of the Unicorn Form are Eve
(Christian) and Pandora (Greek).
The Unicorn is associated with the concept of
innocence, the number 3, and the element of
Her sign is the twilight sun.
As a member of Form 3, you are a curious
individual. You are drawn to new things and
become fascinated with ideas you've never come
in contact with before. Some people may say
you are too nosey, but it's only because you
like getting to the bottom of things and
solving them. Unicorns are the best friends to
have because they are inquisitive.
Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
bugrit. got dragon before. now is unicorn. whee! i like unicorns. :D
ah well. dont wanna do anymore. -sulk- so off to bed now. whee. yes im going to bed at...2pm in the afternoon. good day.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
You are Petunia!
Thank god for the Glade plug-in you wear, or you'd
be even more unbearable...
Which Happy Tree Friends Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
whee. that's me. err me being gerard ^^ It's 1.20 in the morning. whee. nitez!
Sunday, February 01, 2004
You are Cuddles!
Cute and cuddly, your need for speed always seems
to end in tragedy...
Which Happy Tree Friends Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
lets see, i havent been posting for a while. im supposed to write the scenes online here now cos i ave them and the other stupid com's dead and dying and gory all over so i have to deal with the fact that the scenes are bloody behind.
dont kill me....
so i shall now want to do the newspaper of the lord of the rings. whee. :D
THE STRAIGHTS TIMES
brought to you by the Accidental Editor
Headline News: Sauron's Precious hacked off by Some Bloke
At averagely about the second/third age of Middle-Earth, no one gives a bloody damn, Sauron, the One, the Big and the Beautiful, betrays his Precious by losing it to some Bloke from some English country. Sauron(43), was quite hesistant to be interviewed by this reporter, his exact words being: If that bloody reporter doesn't get the HELL outta my Country right now I shall blow a fuse and explode the whole of Middle-Earth!
The bloke(34) that blew off Sauron's Big and Beautiful is also not really in the state of being interviewed, having been to the great big volcano also known as Mount Doom, no questions asked and no prizes given for the answers of the non existant questions, and having fallen to the one Ring's hellish badgering of his defeated and im sorry to say bloody small brain, he has ridden home to his english country, where i quote, 'is forever england.'
Today he dies of multiple arrow shots. Elrond(545762) the great and gracious, weeps for his death and then snickers at the measly and disgusting way he died. elrond, too seems to be very interested in this reporter coming over to interview him.
'You see, he hacked off Sauron's finger and then he held up for the bloody world to see, stupid guy, and then Sauron was basically vanquished. ho ho. and then he was supposed to throw it into Mount Doom, but the bloody stupid guy fell to the temptation of that bloody ring and and and...'
this reporter is sorry to say that Elrond has PMS is is now crying in his room. (okay that's it. im having a poll on who the hell is elrond willing to have for a wife) and so ends another reporter of this miserable middle earth, done by the accidental editor herself, hope that you enjoyed this etc etc etc and i now have to comfort Elrond the big baby.
anyway i cant be bothered to do the entire newspaper so im basically just gonna do the front page of the newspaper. basically its filled with all your average comics, farfield, orcs/globin blues, and slack from the uruk-hais. saruman does a basic manicure reports and legolas does the check-out on beauty products and stores. arwen is aunt agnes. anguished teenagers can write to her every day. :D
so heh, will be writing out basic crap from all the movies...hahaha
have fun. :D
Arlightee then, our first anguished teenager!!!
dear aunt agnes, i am an elf and have beautiful long, blond hair. (it really is gorgeous) but lately, the mean old elf (let's call him E) has been saying that i look like a girl. He's just jealous that his hair's greying, im sure. what do i do!!?? HELP!!!!!
blond, beautiful and bothered
Dear blond, beautiful and bothered,
im glad to hear that at least one elf has nice and long blond hair. it is a dying trade, oh yes, blonde hair. okay blonde, beautiful, and bothered, you can just tell E that its your hair, and he has no right in telling you that your hair is bloody ugly and that he is an ugle titch. if he is still feeling bitter, give him hair dye and tell him to do it himself.
love, aunt agnes